When we traveled to Italy for the first time, my mother bought a Langenscheidt language guide that translated useful phrases for every day use into Italian, for example: “I lost my passport, please show me the way to the German Consulate.” However, I can’t remember that my mother used the language guide very intensively.

Recently in a bookstore, I found a language guide that takes the concept of the good old Langenscheidt to an entirely new level:

“Wicked German for the Traveller” or: How to get around Germany as a tourist with off-key phrases.

Under the headline “Beer Connoisseurship” you can find the following examples of a beergarden conversation:

“The Hefe-Weizen has big feet and small head” which means in German, “Weizenbier hat große Füße und einen kleinen Kopf”, and is pronounced as follows: “VEI-tsayn-beer haht GROH-seh FEW-se oont einen KLEI-nen KOHPF”. For the continuation of that beergarden night the guide recommends the sentence: “My stomach feels like an old woodchuck” – in German: “Mein Magen fühlt sich an wie ein altes Waldmurmeltier.”

When using the German railroad, “Die Deutsche Bahn”, the greeting “Guten Tag meine Dame/ Herr/Genosse Schaffner” (”Good day Madam/Sir/ Comrade Conductor”) is recommended, with the additional remark: “Warum halten wir an diesem Rangiergleis an?” (”Why are we stopping at this switching track?”).

Apparently, the authors did their research shortly after the German Reunification. But the chapter I liked best was “Surviving the Autobahn”, for example with this sentence: “Geben sie mir 12 Zylinder oder mein Geld zurück” (”Give me 12 cylinders or my money back”).

The authors also researched the fines for swearing at other drivers:

“Damischer Bulle costs 2760 dollars, “Knolle” 425 dollars and “Rchtlfrtzlkraut” 100 dollars, what ever that may mean. For additional 99 cents you are allowed to say “Wichtigtuer” (”poser”) twice.

You might want to hand out this delightful mixture of intended and unintended humor to every American visitor of the Oktoberfest. Surely this would improve German-American relations.